What’s in a Name?

At age nine my son Alexander decided to change his last name.

We were out for dinner with our family when a stranger from another table asked him his name—standard, right? From the corner of my ear, I heard him exclaim:

“I’m Alexander Morris Seligman”. 

We are a blended family. I’m not saying that we’ve perfected this by any means—we are certainly not the norm. However, his last name was Swartz, the first of two children as a result of my second marriage to my now husband, Joel. 

It’s so interesting how a nine-year-old, with complete confidence and clarity compacted into a straight face, muttered the words:

“That’s my full name and these are my real brothers, not half.”

Telling, no?

I whispered to him, “You know Alex, your last name is Swartz.”

He replied, “But if my last name was Seligman, I would be THEIR real brothers and they wouldn’t be confused, and neither would I.”

THEIR names were Max and Billy Seligman-- my two sons from my first marriage.

Okay, so now what? Alex clearly had this sense of awareness of who he wanted to be and who he wanted the outside world to know, which, to me was no big deal.

I told myself that he’d snap out of it in a month or so. In the future we would laugh about this experience with family and friends.

Oh...but we were so wrong.

Confusion and illusion came into focus, and this was not just a passing fancy. He began to tell everyone that his last name was Seligman, and the dialogue only grew stronger. Even worse was that both Joel Swartz and I were feeding into it. 

Then came the questions and the buzz around this name game.

Many asked me, “How could you and Joel even entertain this?”

And, truthfully, our answers varied each time we were asked. It began to take on a life of its own, and, since we weren’t taking it seriously, we were just embracing what came with it.

Secretly I loved it the best--I’m all for welcoming what comes naturally to us. In actuality, no one was getting hurt by this, Joel Swartz himself was macho about it and said we should just let it be. 

Sometimes in life you meet or have a child that is just a forward thinker, right?

I asked myself, is that what this is? I mean, Alex was a child like no other. He made up his mind and knew himself from a very young age. He did and still does have a zest for life like no other, and his spirit was certainly not going to be crushed by us.

We let him be and gave him the power to be his own person, and, by doing so, he has flourished into a very solid and confident young man. 

So-what’s in a name? And why did people even care?

So, what, we have a spirited child who looks up to his older half-brothers (oh he hates it when I say half so just ignore the facts).

Alex now goes by Seligman-Swartz and has figured out how to make decisions based on his values. The biggest value that shines through is his emphasis on family, clearly there’s a lesson to learn here but who am I to preach?

We are only teachers to those who want to be taught. And to those who don’t want to be taught--who are we to say that we know better?  

Joel and I have continued to embrace what comes to us, and, in my opinion, though this situation was confusing to navigate, it gave us something to talk about, and to now look back on. It all worked out for our son Alex and shaped him into who he is now.

So, what’s in a name?

Confidence, integrity, and a sense of belonging to start. 

UPDATE: As of March 2022, Alex has changed his name to his birth name, and now goes by Alexander Swartz.